Living takes courage

Learning to be comfortable with uncertainty and impermanence are fundamental to spiritual growth.  I’m drawn to Buddhism and aspire to these principles; this path resonates with me. However, learning about these intellectually  is different from engaging in a practical, messy, deeply felt experience. Recently I was presented unexpectedly with a difficult situation that oozes with uncertainty. So many emotions…sad, lonely, helpless, embarrassed, disappointed, and confused. There are many thoughts that arise, some of which are dark. I read somewhere, staying “present” isn’t for wimps. I’m keenly aware of my life story unfolding as it is, which includes the painful experience of loving someone with late stage Alzheimer’s Disease.

Do I have what it takes to stay open to that which can never be lost, broken or fail?  Do I have the courage necessary to stay with the beauty of impermanence when a tricky egocentric mind would have me feel entitled to want to control life and death?  How do I relate to myself and others during times of adversity?

Consciousness welcomes going deeper. “There’s more to learn…”

I believe that self-righteousness  veils the light of knowing.  I can be arrogant.  when I over think.   It’s a sneaky spiritual ego that masks itself as transcendent and untouchable, just as the going gets tough.  As I sit and listen in silence, there is an ember within that lights up a hallowed space. This is effortless, except for surrendering to the present moment.

True freedom seeks no escape.

So, I gently lean in.  Breath.  There is no closing a heart that has been cracked open.  Know this moment, in its magnificence. Without judgment. Be tender.  Laugh a little, write a little.  Dream. Swim. Be authentic.  Trust in Love.  Live the yes.

What is it in me that never changes?  What is the nature of who I am that is undisturbed by the unexpected?   I am aware of that there is an essential part of me that is undisturbable and imperturbable.   There’s ample room in Awareness for every thought, feeling, perception- even ones that I’d rather avoid.  (Maybe especially these).  This life,  my life and all that I experience comes from Awareness. From this vantage point, there’s nothing in me or in anyone else to fix.  There’s nothing broken. I am deeply ok.

Sinking deeper into my heart I am Grace, Lena, Ken.   May I know humility and accept the entire experience of life, right here, right now; be one with it.   Resting with uncertainty and impermanence are sacred paths for the Bodhisattva.  Stay curious…stay alive.

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