Hold even this

All we have is our experience.  This afternoon I felt a familiar sense of lacking.  I was disappointed, hoping that last week’s retreat would rid myself of these thoughts and feelings.  Other thoughts distracted me for awhile.  Then I recalled how this might be an opportunity to practice loving kindness and turn my curiosity back to self-inquiry.   What is the source of my desires.  From where does this seeking come.  Agitated that this line of questioning was also beginning to feel all-consuming, my awareness switched to being present, alone, outside in the stormy winds with leaves blowing everywhere.  Let go.  Sink into your heart.

That’s when I heard a voice say, “Hold, even this.”  I repeated it out loud. Hold, even this. From deep within, this Knowing breathed its life into my being.  Yes, there is space for the doubts and confusion of wanting something I can’t have and the feeling I need someone. The take-away was to knowingly welcome, even these, with tenderness.

No need to push anything away or figure anything out.  Understanding is not a destination. From the point of view of Love,  it’s all ok.  An experience of what I’ve read somewhere – the heart does not know the meaning of “getting rid of”.  Everything that is present, has already been accepted.  I am the welcoming space of all experience. The infinite Yes, back again!

Later at home, read the daily quote from Rupert: “The only barrier to peace and happiness is the thought that considers the current situation wrong or inadequate.” -Rupert Spira

In Love, there is courage to face my own sense of lack, while knowing I am deeply ok.

The flame is yourSelf

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Garrison, NY retreat 10/15/16

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me
so that what no one has dared to wish for

may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, God, pardon me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing you as no one ever has,

streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.
~Rainer Maria Rilke

—from Rilke’s Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, by Rainer Maria Rilke / Translated by Joanna Macy

The discovery that peace, happiness and love are ever-present within our own Being, and completely available at every moment of experience, under all conditions, is the most important discovery that anyone can make. 
                                         -Rupert Spira, from The Ashes of Love
My experience this week on retreat has been a deep unfolding of who I am.  The nature of Awareness shimmering.  Moments of stillness, tears, laughter, intimacy,  peace. A knowing of Love as the heart of my Being.  So grateful for this time of rest and revelation.

Through the wound, be whole

“Through the wound, be whole.”  – J.K.

When the notion of “through the wound, be whole” was initially shared as a path to healing, I found it slightly unsettling and a mysterious notion.  I was more accustomed to navigating life with an aim to avoid discomfort and escape from painful and complicated thoughts and feelings.  With new growth and an awakened heart, I’m learning to not be as afraid with life as it is.   A willingness to be with myself, under all conditions, allows me to be with my woundedness in a loving way.

Staying fully present in the moment, even when it’s hard, can be a portal to deep communion and peace.  This was my experience recently and I am changed by it, in ways that continue to unfold.  Through the wound, be whole…

Curiously, everything lately appears brighter, sensual, pleasurable, limitless and life affirming. Connections with people are more spontaneous and boundaries more permeable, resulting in openness.  It’s easier to trust in the inherent goodness of people. Love heals. 

Pema Chodron says “The path of the warrior is a lot more daring; you are cultivating a fearless heart, a heart that doesn’t close down in any circumstance; it is always totally open, so that you could be touched by anything.”  She goes on to say, “As you become more fearless, your bodhicitta will ripen with each day of your life, which will be of great benefit to others.”

As always, I am profoundly grateful for a gentle, wise spiritual teacher who helps reflect back my own inner knowing.  I see my true essence more clearly in the light of this relationship.  Spiritual beings on a shared path…this is real. Being what we truly are liberates us. 

I notice a gentler, softer, stillness within me emerging.  This leads me to wonder how I might serve to help others living in the world to grow and know Love.  Miracles happen. 

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Lincoln Center 10/1/2016