Alena Grace

“I cannot tell if the day
is ending, or the world, or if
the secret of secrets is inside me again.”
– Anna Akhmatova

The best I can come up with is that there’s a shared sense of co-creating sacred space…experiencing together the presence of God.

How do I reconcile the expansive nature of Awareness, which is limitless, spacious and wants for nothing with a contrasting experience of aching, desiring and longing for another?  The former feels like pure freedom; the latter, an organic, transient yearning.  Sometimes my perception of these is blurry within the intimate places they share, in the space of me.  Mystery and unanswered questions make for good company.

Desire is made of Awareness.  Here I am no longer the seer who longs, but the Seeing. Some things can’t be figured out with the usual ways of knowing.  My teacher practices the presence of God.  Humble. Authentic. I feel immense gratitude for our relationship. It can be simply a word or phrase, or look, or silent pause that draws me deeper into knowing myself.  I imagine this might have been the kind of awe that Jesus’ disciples experienced as their hearts and minds were opened. What we share lingers in my heart and inspires me. It’s holy ground. This kind of Love breeds courage for me to sink into my heart.

It is for this Love that I live, not for any person, for this Love is me.

I feel inspired to live without hesitation.  Poetry of Rumi & Mary Oliver, non-duality and Rupert Spira, exploring new career options, attending the ballet, relaxing deeply into even the uneasy questions that surface, lead to creative energy.   I’m more optimistic, gentler with myself and others. Those closest to me notice I laugh often and out loud.  Like diving deep in the mountain lake, I am refreshed.

 

– Rainer Maria Rilke

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

Is it possible to know our purpose or destiny in a life time?  If through grace or the mysterious synchronicity of experience, a reason for our being in the world is glimpsed, is that what we call a miracle?    Gratitude emerges when one’s spirit recognizes its purpose.

From my experience I know that Awareness or Consciousness expresses itself when opened, awakened hearts join unconditionally, selflessly alive in the moment.   This is Love. This is Oneness.   Once known, this kind of Love can never be unknown.   Seeking is no longer necessary, as there ceases to be a you and a me.   This kind of love manifests as boundless creative energy.  To go to the limits of our longing brings us closer to our essence.

Intuition and spiritual guides provide ways of seeing and knowing beyond the usual senses of perception.  Listen,  it’s as if Consciousness is drawn to Itself.

On Saturday, I went to the ballet at Lincoln Center and saw La Fille Mal Gardee (Eng. trans: The Wayward Daughter).   I find the wordless expressions of Love and physicality of ballet enchanting; happiness unveiled.   I laughed, smiled, felt surprise, longing, suspense, humor, desire, passion.  In the end, the lovers embrace and dance off the stage hand in hand.   On this day, I felt the aliveness possible in what Rilke may have glimpsed in his sensitivity to the divine in our midst:  “You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing.”

Have patience with
everything unresolved in
your heart and try to
love the questions
themselves as if they were
locked rooms or books
written in a very foreign
language.   Don’t search for
the answers, which could
not be given to you now,
because you would not be
able to live them.  And the
point is to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far
in the future, you will
gradually, without even
noticing it, live your way
into the answer.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Relaxing into the questions is the invitation of Awareness these days.  And while this experience has me sauntering along the shifting sands of the water’s edge for hours on end, I feel more at home in myself, grateful for the journey.  I’m learning to be more tolerant and welcoming of uncertainty.  Happiness –  immeasurable.   Never alone and gently guided in the direction of solitude, breathing in a hallowed time and space, without the familiar urgency that comes from needing answers.   There’s a light, airy freedom to this way of relating to the stories stirring within.  Grace touched my hands – unveiling a Consciousness which is unchanging and without limits.  My heart races…like being in love, even in remembrance of this miracle.   There’s ample room in my heart and mind for contemplating the spiritual mysteries of life unfolding in this soft landing of Love.  Could this be the beginning path of an awakened bodhisattva.

“Love is the recognition, we are One.”  – Rupert Spira

I’m not sure what it is about the words or presence of my teacher that inspire and awaken my heart.  Gratitude. Love.  Grace is near. My experience is Awareness and intuition are expanding. Not so easy to understand or explain. Will keep exploring what I truly am.

The following poem deserves an introduction, but despite my best effort to do this, can’t quite find the words for my experience.  I am learning that love and spiritual guides are not limited to human form or boundaries of time and space.   And to trust in the synchronicity of life as it unfolds moment to moment…

                    Lena’s Ballad

Comforting clan, generations of kin,
her heart knows Love deeply from within.
Under gentle breezes, dreaming of forever,
prayers rise abundant for limitless endeavor.

Bonding on rides, touching under waves,
as newfound hope and harmony saves.
Silly, silky, sun-tanned smiles,
crazed bathers, strutters and lovers for miles.

Our promises shared under the new slivered moon,
imagining life together, never too soon.
His devotion, my courage, destiny bound in grace,
inspired by partaking in a free human race.

Icons for living release burdens of the ages,
communing, creating and expanding for pages.
Wrapped up in life, seeing Love through eyes,
Aware of miracles and heartfelt cries.

Part II

Coney Island kisses and starry nights, ease the way,
on bent knee, he desires her only, wishing no delay.
Soft body waits, for she loves no other,
while tender thoughts drift, to becoming a mother.

Warm and insightful, patient and wise,
they’re meant for each other all do surmise.
Neither blame nor sorrow, no shame or frets,
truth her compass a holy shield for regrets.

Soon children she guards with both strength and sweetness,
new experiences of completeness.
Ne’er a day without sweet affections to leaven,
as heirs carry ways pleasing to heaven.

Icons for living bear burdens of the ages,
communing, creating and expanding for pages.
She knows life well, seeing Love through eyes,
Aware of miracles and heartfelt cries.

Part III

Time shifts mind and space, families gather,
tenderness, tears, toil and tether.
As life unfurls, form whittles away,
sunsets and daydreams no longer her stay.

She wishes she knew how to rekindle the fire,
steadfast is her cradled desire.
It’s not for lack of love she withers,
alas, too early her breath slowly flickers.

A new life is born, a sure remedy itself,
whose sweet breath slumbers alongside herself.
She knows hearts well and can see in his eyes,
the spirit and miracle of this tiny surprise.

Icons for living release burdens of the ages,
communing, creating and expanding for pages.
Still she parts from them short, one may wonder,
consciousness, synchronicity, a mystery asunder.

Part IV

Grace – the pulse of being in life,
here to accompany your growth through strife.
Legacy and light of Lena,  Absolute remains,
unchanging Spirit for all to claim.

Blessed is the life with which you are entwined,
acceptance and presence, God-in-kind.
It’s no mistake to seek truth from the wise,
we’re One in all ways, you know it’s no guise.

Yes, you are Love, the unveiled gift,
in turn lend light to travelers swift.
Life and death aberrations of mind, no need for fear,
stay on your path of learning my dear.

Befriend nature, be authentic and true,
hence forth know thy beauty and divinity through.
Your heart and mine are One and the same,
find peace in Awareness from whence you came.

-mjs 3/27/16

“In truth, the heart, like the Earth, is continually blanketed by ever-changing atmospheres that come and go between who we are and how we live our days.”                                                                                                                                                      -Mark Nepo

In the Book of Awakening, April 19 entry, Mark Nepo suggests that faith may be about “the effort to believe in light, when we’re covered by clouds…”  I find his words tender and wise; a compass to the divine within each of us.  All forms of nature create opportunities for staying in touch with that which is essential to life.  His thoughts led me to consider my relationship with water and the sun.

Water is intimate and sensual.  I’m especially drawn to the stillness of mountain lakes and ocean shores. Being in water has often been a great source of comfort and delight.  I find water to be healing as it gently sheds parts that need shedding, without my asking.  Last summer, with an awakened heart, I bobbed around in Long Island Sound for extended periods of time each week, listening, surrendering.  The experience of floating became a kind of remembrance of who I am.  Like oneness in the womb.  I trusted the water to hold me; I met Grace there.

In January, while in Costa Rica, the warm Pacific Ocean waves hugged me again, in a new way.  During one of our retreat workshops the teacher invited us to ask the universe for an element of nature to join us on our spiritual journey.  I immediately thought of my friend, water.

But surprise – it was the Sun, who longed for my attention.  What can I learn from such a goddess I wondered.  At the equator, the Sun penetrates deeply and this energy quickly became an ally for vitality, engagement, spontaneity, playfulness, confidence and a welcoming for more masculine energy.

Throughout this winter, the sun was a faithful companion on many bright, cold, blue sky days;  unequivocally, a silent partner on gray days and lonely nights.  In the darkness, there’s never a doubt of its presence.  Even when out of view, it warms our life forms.  Such is Awareness or the Essence of God, ever-present, open, unconditional, revealing itself in the beauty of the world.  Nature delights in Oneness.  I delight in Love.

 

Poem of One World, from Mary Oliver’s book, A Thousand Mornings, reminds me that while on the precipice of uncertainty, there is an invitation, a choice.  To leap or not to leap; to float or to fly; to stay or run the other direction.  The beautiful white heron naturally unfurls her wings in flight.  Someday, I too shall do the same.

Poem of One World

This morning
the beautiful white heron
was floating along above the water

and then into the sky of this
the one world
we all belong to

where everything
sooner or later
is a part of everything else

which thought made me feel
for a little while
quite beautiful myself.

– Mary Oliver

“Your life you live by the light you find…”  – from The Dream of Now by William Stafford

It requires a certain amount of courage to live life.  Sometimes I feel courageous; other times, anxious or insecure.   Befriending the shadowy side makes life more interesting.   I’m learning that with or without my cooperation, Awareness remains infinite and unchanged. This poem speaks to being brave and acceptance to whatever comes.

            Never Not Now

Infuse healing some other day.
Hold discomfort tenderly now, as if by design.
Care for doubt and uncertainty
no less than you might the most admired guests.
As brisk air risks your quietude,
breath in a thousand blossoms.
With a pregnant pause,
acknowledge your capacity,
know the distinctive timbre that is You.
Always here, always now.
Scream out loud sometimes.
Lean-in,
or maybe lean on another.
Host the gray, purple and even red skies with equanimity.
Ragged edges
deserve their place too.

– by Melissa Jagoe-Seidl